


so hold me in your arms

by 23suh



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mutual Pining, Silent confessions, sorta kinda a denial of feelings? kinda, they love each other they just don't wanna say it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:29:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23761597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/23suh/pseuds/23suh
Summary: Jaemin and Jeno are best friends, and it’s not that they don’t want to admit their love for each other; it’s just a very unspoken mutual refusal.There’s that potential peril of losing the one person that they hold the closest, but is a longing look of love or the touch of a warm hand worth losing all those years of friendship?
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> had a simpy conversation with a friend over our kpop boys so voila Fic Happened
> 
> once again, i still loathe writing but when you're on national lockdown and have extreme insomnia, you kinda. just. haha your way through life so
> 
> here is a nomin thing i'm dizzy it's 8.30am i will eat corn chips and then sleep 
> 
> this was not beta-ed so. yee Haw
> 
> i listened to these while writing: [playlist 2](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/48ZRk3g6xspC3feHz5WZkZ?si=ts3wXWTtQkuPAZEkQ-RhmA)

Jaemin looked at Jeno. He was in the kitchen of their shared apartment, high enough that you’d need a jacket if you cracked open a window; you could even see the tallest skyscrapers light up a clear night.

They had been best friends for years and years, and moved in together for university. Jeno, an architecture major; and Jaemin, a star culinary student.

Jeno flipped the eggs, along with Jaemin’s heart.

“Ah, nailed it,” he told Jaemin, soft-spoken with that signature eye smile. Jaemin smiled back as he plopped himself on the kitchen counter, pouring himself a glass of juice.

“Don’t you wanna drink that with the food?”

“Nah, just feeling a little thirsty,” replied Jaemin.

Jeno hummed, moving the pan around so the eggs wouldn’t burn too much. A little crispy on the edges and runny in the middle, exactly how the both of them liked it.

“Could you put the toast in the toaster?” asked Jeno, to which Jaemin snorted. “Toast in the toaster?”

“Mm. Yep.”

Quarantine was both heaven and hell. It meant that they’d have the whole day to laze about and marathon all the movies and tv shows they’ve put on the backburner in favour of assignments, time to cook extravagant dishes instead of lackluster fried sausages and rice, and they’d be able to spend time with the other; which in turn, was also completely hell.

Jaemin helped set two sets of cutlery on the table, completed with a beautiful fake rose floating around in ‘water’, complements of Jeno’s 5-pound bottle of clear glue. They didn’t think Jeno needed it for ALL those wooden sticks for his architecture stuff.

Jeno flopped the fried eggs onto a plate, and they sat at their table facing each other.

“Bone apple teeth, bro,” said Jaemin, trying to diffuse any romantic tension for the thousandth time that week.

They ate their meal in a form of comfort that could only have taken years of talking and getting to know each other to develop; an almost-silence, the ambient noises of Parks and Recreation’s comradery playing in the background.

They cleared the table and washed the dishes in silence, and although it was a regular, comfortable silence, there’s always an unspoken emotion in the air that the both of them never dared to bring up. They don’t want to know what happens when _that thought_ is put into words, and so, they go about their daily lives, embracing the emotional constipation.

Most of that day was spent working on assignments, fiddling with pens, fixing stray hairs in the little Zoom webcam window. Morning shifted into afternoon, and the afternoon painted a red and gold sunset in the sky, noting a metamorphosis into evening. They didn’t have to say anything to each other to know that _the emotion_ was there. Jeno loved seeing Jaemin smile after shoving a big bite of ramyun that Jeno cooked, even though they both knew it tasted awful. On the contrary, Jaemin loved seeing Jeno’s cheeks fill up with food, _actually_ enjoying what he cooked. He was a culinary major, after all. But to Jeno, a glorious meal by his definition was a big bowl of Jaemin's rice, fried eggs and spam, and bean sprout soup.

Simple, but nutritious, fulfilling and nurturing.

The sunset was particularly beautiful that evening; so much so that Jeno took his sketchbook out on the balcony and started to sketch. He got up to four walls and a roof, when Jaemin stepped into the clean, chilly air to join him.

“Dream house?”

“Yeah. Sit,” mumbled Jeno, motioning towards the empty spot on the floor next to him. Their balcony wasn’t anything to gawk at, just some plants and a string of fairy lights taped onto the wall; but combined with the watercolor hues of the sky slowly turning into black and white, it felt ethereal.

“What about some plants here? A wind chime there, and, oh! Bricks, Jeno. Definitely adds a sense of ‘home’ to it, don’t you think?”

“Exactly what I was thinking, Nana. What about some vines -”

“Growing on the wall, next to the window? Yeah, you got it,” beamed Jaemin, lightly slapping Jeno’s thigh with the back of his hand. Jeno chuckled.

Jaemin scooted over to the other side of the balcony to lean on the wall. Tired, he felt, after a long day of hard work and avoiding important feelings. He put on a soft playlist for them and closed his eyes, waiting for light to become night. He was content in Jeno’s company, lovers or not, and let himself drift.

\------------------------------------

Jaemin opened his eyes to Jeno throwing little balls of scrap paper at him. He rubbed off the tiny bits of crust that formed on his eyes and scooted back over to Jeno.

“Thoooughts?” Jeno asked, stretching out the O.

Jaemin took in Jeno’s drawing, the fairy lights giving it a warm glow. Jeno had sketched a stunning house, giving it life with watercolors. Bricks, vines, greenery, three little cats sitting on the doorstep. A sunset just like the one that had been Jaemin’s last view before dozing off.

“It’s… amazing, Jeno. It’s perfect, even. But aren’t you allergic to cats?”

“Yeah, but I’ll live. Allergy shots and stuff exists. I’ll get the cats someday. Maybe even the house?”

“Someday, yeah.”

They looked away, focusing on the view. Ed Sheeran’s ‘Kiss Me’ flowed from the speaker's of Jaemin’s phone which, very frankly, surprised him considering his battery life was usually crap.

The atmosphere was perfect. The city lights gleamed, highlighting every single feature on their faces.

Jeno snuck a glance at Jaemin; his face was illumined with a white-blue hue, big eyes sparkling from the reflection of the city beneath them. His dark brown hair shone an exquisite gold, warm, inviting. He wanted more than anything to run his hands through it, to see how the light would change when it moved around. The city was silent, too; there were barely as many cars as there usually were, nobody taking their dogs on a nightly walk, no groups of old people doing half-assed aerobics in the park.

Everything was still; except for Jeno’s heart as Jaemin suddenly returned his gaze.

“What, you like what you’re lookin’ at?” whispered Jaemin. This was Jeno’s breaking point, Jeno thinks, as his thoughts were no longer contained.

“Yeah, I do,” he whispered back. Soft, but loud enough to encompass every single thing he felt for Jaemin.

Jeno chuckled at the surprised look on Jaemin’s face, but truth be told, his heart was going faster than a racehorse thinking about the events that could potentially conspire after those three words were spoken.

“Wasn’t expecting that?”

“I… no,” replied a slightly dumbfounded Jaemin.

Jaemin fidgeted around, trying to find the right words to say. After minutes of torturous silence, Jaemin decides that no words, in fact, are the right words to say.

Instead, he looks at the view and chooses to grab Jeno’s hand to Jeno’s half-relief and half-startled state. He does nothing but hold his hand as the song played out, the both of them taking in the sky. Both of them knew what the other was thinking; a combination of “oh my god”, “is it finally happening”, and “hey, I wonder what the person living in that building there is doing right now”.

After what seemed like forever, Jeno shifted behind Jaemin, wrapping his legs around Jaemin’s legs, and his arms around his waist. He buried his face in the crook of Jaemin’s shoulders.

_This feels like fallin’ in love, fallin’ in love, fallin’ in love._

He started to press light kisses along Jaemin’s neck. He grabbed Jaemin’s hands and held them tight; they were cold, but soft. Jeno’s were a little rough, but the two of them knew that their hands fit each other’s perfectly - a lovely balance.

Jaemin turned slightly to face Jeno, their eyes finally meeting. Their eyes had met many, many times; but this was the one time their eyes met, and the emotion was perfectly matched up.

It was love.

Jaemin laid a soft hand on Jeno’s cheek, slowly bringing their faces closer. The cityscape became their backdrop, and the sky their lighting as they kissed, knowing all too well that this was an excruciatingly long time coming. Jaemin let Jeno in, exploring each other’s mouth with intricacy. Slowly but surely, they melted into each other, soft giggles escaping with every feather of a touch on the other’s face; letting the city wake up, bright skies and city lights becoming the soft pastel hues of dawn that welcome a new day.

They untangled themselves and sat facing each other, just as their morning had started out.

Taking each other’s hands in their own, Jaemin’s thumbs rubbing over Jeno’s, they looked at each other with passionate adoration.

No further words had been exchanged, until Jeno released the breath he was holding.

“I don’t think I have to say the words for the both of us to know that we took too long to do this, Jaem. We both know how we felt, and yet, we pushed it aside for so long. Why?”

“I don’t know. I guess we were just... scared. Scared of losing each other, scared of what would happen if we said the words we know we wanted to say.”

“Well, are you scared, Jaemin?”

“Are _you_ scared, Jeno?”

“Honestly, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t.”

“Me too.”

“But we’re gonna make this work, right?” asked Jeno, stroking Jaemin's cheek.

“If you love me as much as I love you, then everything will fall into place,” replied Jaemin.

“Love,” breathed Jeno. “Love.”

“I love you so much, Jeno.”

“I love you too, Jaemin.”

They didn’t have to say anything else as Jeno laid a kiss on Jaemin’s forehead with so much love, it made Jaemin’s heart hurt.

The looks on their faces were enough to know everything, radiate every single feeling, from start to whenever the finish would be. They looked at each other as if it was the first time, memorizing every millimeter of the moment and knew that in each other’s arms, holding each other’s hands - whatever was going to happen was worth it if they were going to be on the same journey together.


	2. happy new year

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do you know how beautiful you look right now?” Jeno’s hand brushed over Jaemin’s cheek, his face pink from the cold. Snow was sticking onto Jaemin’s long eyelashes, falling off every time he blinked. Jaemin smiled. 
> 
> “I’d be even more magnificent if we could go home to warm ourselves up. It’s cold,” Jaemin’s hands wrapped tighter around his to-go cup of hot coffee, shivering in the presence of the cold winter air — and Jeno’s body heat right next to him. “There’s like five hours to go ‘till midnight, we still need to go home and make dinner. And so I can warm myself up next to the oven.” 
> 
> Or, Jaemin and Jeno spend their third New Year's Eve together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just wanted to get one (1) more thing out before the year ended lol so this is . very mediocre but also mmmmmmmmm domestic nomin food

“Do you know how beautiful you look right now?” Jeno’s hand brushed over Jaemin’s cheek, his face pink from the cold. Snow was sticking onto Jaemin’s long eyelashes, falling off every time he blinked. Jaemin smiled. 

  


“I’d be even more magnificent if we could go home to warm ourselves up. It’s cold,” Jaemin’s hands wrapped tighter around his to-go cup of hot coffee, shivering in the presence of the cold winter air  — and Jeno’s body heat right next to him. “There’s like five hours to go ‘till midnight, we still need to go home and make dinner. And so I can warm myself up next to the oven.” 

  


“We’ll just need to get a few more things, okay? You're the one who said we needed the actual vanilla bean pod thingy for the cookies,” teased Jeno. The pair were queueing up at a supermarket, waiting for their turn to pay. Jaemin, being the star culinary student he is, insisted on getting the highest quality ingredients so that their Special New Year’s Eve Cookies would be impeccable as always.  However, the snow came as a surprise to Jaemin, bundled up in a thin knitted cardigan. Jeno, on the other hand, was covered head to toe in a turtleneck, padded jacket, gloves, the whole works. He gets cold easily.

  


“Mm,” mumbled Jaemin. He pressed his face into Jeno’s jacket, a silent protest to the cold. Jeno wrapped his arms around Jaemin. The both of them slowly trudged by in the queue, waiting for their turn to pay for their single, solitary vanilla bean pod. 

  


\-------

  


“No, Jeno, you need to cream the butter and the sugar first —,” 

  


“Was I not supposed to add the eggs first with the—,”

  


A very confused Jaemin looked at the batter in front of him — a sad, splotchy batter of uncombined ingredients. Was that an egg shell in there, too? That was an egg shell.

  


“No,” Jaemin pouted. “Why didn’t you wait for me, babe?”

  


“I wanted to surprise you,” an equally pouty Jeno sulked to Jaemin. “You’re always baking these things all the time for me, and I know this is our little tradition, but I wanted to make it for you and decorate it with our initials with the icing and stuff.”

  


Jaemin’s heart clenched. Jeno was always the sweetest, and this was the first time Jeno had tried to surprise him like this. Jaemin planted a big, fat kiss on Jeno’s cheek. 

  


“It’s alright, Jen. It’s salvageable,” Jaemin took more butter out of the fridge, grabbing a knife to scrape down the vanilla pod. “How do you feel about chocolate chip cookies instead? I’ll brown up some butter, you can continue whisking the eggs and the sugar up!” Jaemin bounced around the kitchen trying to cheer Jeno up. 

  


Jeno’s eyes watered. “I wanted to make them special for you,” he muttered. “For our third year together.” 

  


“Oh, my sweet boy. My baby. Jeno, you didn’t have to do anything like that for me,” Jaemin put the butter down, reaching for Jeno’s chin. “Hey, look at me, okay?” Jaemin blinked his large doe eyes up at Jeno. Jeno sniffed.

  


“We can do this together, alright? You can cut up some chocolate, we’ll make chocolate chip cookies. The apartment will smell  _ amazing  _ after I brown the butter, and it’ll smell even better while the cookies are in the oven. We can cuddle while they’re baking, okay?” 

  


“But what about the icing and stuff?”

  


“We can bake those cookies tomorrow too, we’ve got enough in the fridge for another batch or two. We’re in this together, right? There’s no time limit, we can bake them anytime,” reassured Jaemin. He planted another kiss on Jeno’s mole, and then his lips, wiping away the stray tear that rolled down his cheek. 

  


“Okay,” squeaked a slightly-less-sad Jeno. “Chocolate chip for today, then the sugar cookies for tomorrow,” the corners of Jeno’s lips slowly perking up into a small smile.

  


“That’s my baby,” beamed Jaemin. “Well, chop chop, the chocolate isn’t gonna dice itself! C’mon, we’re going to make the best chocolate chip cookies ever.” 

  


“Nana, how much chocolate do we need?”

  


Jaemin’s eyes grew serious. 

  


“As much as possible.”

  


\-------

  


“You know, I’m actually kinda glad we made these instead of sugar cookies,” mumbled Jeno, mouth full of a piping hot cookie, fresh from the oven.

  


“Yeah? Why’s that?”

  


“Fast. Delicious. God, you can eat them warm instead of waiting for the cookies to cool before icing them, too,” smiled Jeno, savouring his sweet treat. 

  


Jaemin took a bite. “Ooh, good point. Fresh, warm cookies—,”

  


“Over any kind of cookie,” Jeno finished.

They ate their cookies in a comfortable silence, used to each other’s presence; they had been dating for three years, and the other was their solace, their safe place. Their home.

  


It had taken a lot for them to grow into lovers rather than best friends, but it was second nature to them at this point. Waking up next to each other, their love for each other hadn’t diminished one single bit over the years they had spent together.

  


It was a routine; Jaemin would wake up first, snuggling closer to Jeno regardless of the temperature. He’d then kiss Jeno’s shoulders softly, nudging him to wake up with him. Jeno would slowly rub his eyes, opening them to see his favorite person laying right next to him, a soft smile on his face no matter what. 

  


They’d cook a simple breakfast together, finish up their tasks, and end the day together again; holding each other in their arms at night, whispering contentedly about how they spent their day. Sure they had their fair share of fights, but Jaemin never believed in the phrase ‘never go to bed angry’. They would talk things out late into the night, communicating their thoughts, fears, and feelings with each other. 

  


They had a very wonderful relationship between them, and they knew that they completed each other’s puzzles in a snug, loving fit. 

  


Jeno dusted the crumbs off his hands and looked at his phone, checking the time. “Five minutes to go before midnight. Let’s wait on the balcony for the fireworks?”

  


“I’ll go grab the blankets!” Jaemin scurried off to their bedroom to grab their throw blankets and a couple pillows, so they could enjoy the show at peak comfort. 

  
  


Jeno and Jaemin sat on their balcony, the very place they had shared their first kiss, the buildings illuminating their bright light the exact same way it did three years ago. 

  


“10 seconds, Nana. Hold my hands?” Jeno’s fists were balled up, warming himself from the cold. Jaemin wrapped his hands around Jeno’s, looking up at the sky.

  


It wasn’t a very exciting new year, but it was one that was filled with love, and that was more than enough for the two of them.

  


“Three, two, one! Happy New Year, Jen,” announced Jaemin. The fireworks were on the dot, bursting in the sky. Instead of the blue-orange hue from the sky, the streetlights, and the buildings around them, their faces were illuminated by pink, green, blue, purple, gold. 

  


“Happy New Year, Nana,” Jeno smiled back, slowly unclasping his fist to wrap his own hands around Jaemin’s. 

  


Jaemin looked at Jeno and smiled for the millionth time that night, and the first time that year. 

  


Jeno kissed Jaemin, pressing something hard into Jaemin’s palm. Jaemin pulled back, gasping. 

  


“Jeno, oh my god,” breathed Jaemin. In Jeno’s palm was a ring. A simple band, with two diamonds on it, twisted around each other.

  


“I wanted to surprise you by baking a little ring box with the cookie dough. I was gonna decorate it with icing and put the ring inside, but I think the chocolate chip ones might’ve been a good call. Don’t think it would’ve been the easiest to clean,” Jeno laughed. 

  


“I guess that’s why I felt a little emotional, I wanted it to be perfect — especially since baking’s a tradition for us on New Year’s. But you, Na Jaemin, you have this… ability. To make me happy. No matter what happens, or what I go through, you’re always there for me. You’re my happy place, Nana,” Jeno continued. Jaemin was crying.

  


“When I see you smile, I feel like I’ve done something right. It’s like I’ve done something right to bring me right to your smile. You’ve always been my best friend, and transitioning from that into being boyfriends was hard, but I’d never go back and change a single moment of that.”

  


It took everything in Jeno not to cry while making his speech, but the tears started falling anyway. The fireworks and hollers were loud, but all Jaemin heard was Jeno — and all Jeno heard was the sound of his heart beating.

  


“So, with that being said, I’d love nothing more, absolutely  _ nothing _ more, than to spend my entire life with you. Growing old together, seeing your face in the morning, feeling your soft kisses on me while I’m still half asleep. Cooking together, being here for each other, everything. Forever.”

  


Jeno took Jaemin’s left hand, the ring in Jeno’s right. 

  


“Na Jaemin. Will you marry me?”

  


“I hope you didn’t think I’d say anything else but yes, Lee Jeno,” sniffed Jaemin. 

  


Jeno slid the ring onto Jaemin’s fingers.

  


“Looks like we made it work, huh?” Jeno stroked Jaemin’s cheek.

  


“Everything fell into place,” Jaemin replied, stroking Jeno’s cheek back, shiny new ring on his finger.

  
  


“I love you, Jaemin.”

  


“I love you too, Jeno.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year!

**Author's Note:**

> [noises of loneliness] i miss human interaction 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/huangsuhs)


End file.
